Jaimie's life story...

This is the place that Jaimie (thats me) will put all the things he remembers about his life.  You see Jaimie often has flashbacks and thinks about things from the past, like cool things that happened to him, or times when he learned something, or times he was happy or just pissed off, or whatever... so every time I think about something that once happened I'll put it in here in chronological (or as close as I can remember) order.  Oh, and if ya know me and ya don't wanna know, don't read it!  Oh, and I'll highlight all the important words for people who "scan" read like me.

May 3 1975.  Jaimie was born on this day and although I don't remembr it, it still seems important to put in here.  As far as I can get anyone to tell me it happened around 4pm, and I was 9 lbs and an undetermined number of ounces.  I'm also told that I wasn't a fat newborn.  Maybe it was all those pushups in the womb, but I saw a picture of my a few months old scrunching up my face, maaan was it chubby!  hee hee  I'll  try to get the picture sometime.  It happened in Richmond Hill, Ontario.

EARLIEST MEMORY  The earliest memory I have is of being carried by a family friend.  It was the man out of a married couple that lived near us. My family and this man and woman were walking by a pool across the street from the apartment building we lived in at the time.  The guy was telling me about how there was an alligator in the pool.  How sometimes it happened that baby alligators would wander into pools and grow really big.  There was a 15' fence around this pool, and I think it was a warm day.

UH OH!  THE RIGHT-LEFT FLOOD  When I was a little dude, I like d to play with these little plastic boats.  They were about 4 inches long, and I think there were 5.  They had a white hull, and a coloured top that snapped on.  One day I wanted to play with them in the sink.  I put the plug in, and turned on the water (its very hard to do when the sink is taller than you by the way).  The sink was getting pretty full and I started turning the knobs, but I couldn't remember which way to turn them!  I yelled, "Which way do you turn the knobs to make the water stop!"  Voices came back yelling, "To the right!".  I was like, oh no, not this again!  "But they don't go to the right or left.  They go in a circle!!!"  Does the top go to the right, or the bottom!!!"  Well this was very frustruating that no one could inform me that the top part goes to the right.  They couldn't comprehend what I was asking, they just kept yelling stupid things like "Turn it right!"  or "Right is the hand you throw with."  Oh, and adding insult...  "I know which way is right!!!!!!!"  Finally, with water pouring out over the sink my mom and dad burst into the bathroom and stop it, and start cleaning up the mess.  I was in BIG trouble, but I just kept trying to ask which circular direction "right" is.  No one would tell me!  AAAAA!!!!!!  Finally I just had to figure it out by going to a knob and turning water on and remembering that people called that "left" and seeing that the top part of the circle goes left.  So thats how I figured out that when someone says turn something right or left, they're talking about the movement of the top part of the circle.  ( I informed my brother of that one long before he needed it)

COKE IN THE HOUSE  We never had carbonated beverages, or sugar cereal, or anything like that in the house.  One day, I think it was Kentucky Fried Chicken that we had (which was a huge treat in itself!).  Anyway my Dad pulls out a can of coke.  My mom starts the yelling.  My dad starts the ignoring.  He opened it and PSSHHHHH!!!!  It sprayed everywhere!  All over the wall, thats the part I remember the most.  Little brown drops all over the wall.  My mom was soooo screaming at this point.  Now that I think about it.  Like whats the big deal.  Wipe it off.  No problem.

THE CHRISTMAS SPY  Thats me... a Christmas spy.  I'm always snooping around to find out what I got.  Like once a long long time ago my dad was making something for me in the basement.  I wasn't allowed to go down there for like a week or something.  My dad was down there working on it one time and my mom wasn't paying attention... and I snuck over to the basement door... carefully opnned it without making a sound (I practiced this kinda stuff a lot).  Then I tiptoed down the first part of stairs to the landing where the stairs turn right.  The stairs went one direction and my dad was in the opposite direction.  The stairs were only stairs... no wall, just a rail, and no backs to the stairs, so you can see through.  So I layed down on the landing, and grabbed the rail... and slowly slid out and around the stairs hanging by my arm... until I could see him.  I don't know how long I watched, but thats the part I remember most... hanging out around the stairs watching.  He was building a really cool train set.  The kind with the slot car track that crossed the train tracks so you could crash 'em.  hee hee, I crashed em sooooo much.  It was fun to outrace the train too.  hee hee.  No one ever found out that I saw that (I think) until now.  It was a totally cool present, I loved designing cool car tracks.... blah blah blah...

JUGGLING CUPS AND THE DISHWASHERThis is one of the few memories I have from when my parents were together.  Me, my dad and mom, and probly sis were in the kitchen of the house I grew up in.  I was asking about juggling 'cause I wanted to be able to juggleMy dad demonstrated that he could juggle 3 plastic cups if he bounced them of the wall.  That was pretty cool, but i couldn't bounce them right.  It was also annoying being so low.  I was only 3 ft tall or whatever you are at age 3 or 4.  So my dad picked me up and put me on the dishwasher (I loved being thrown around by him.  he's like 6'3'', 230 lbs so he could throw us kids around "like rag-dolls" as he would say.)  So, I'm standing on the dishwasher and my mom starts yelling (she excells at yelling, even to this day).  I think she was yelling something about breaking the dishwasher or about me falling off it, or something, I just remember the yelling.  My dad was like, oh c'mon, its fine.  My mom was steaming.

CHRISTMAS SPY PART DEUX  Once again before christmas I started getting all curious about what I was gonna get.  So, I decided a few months before christmas to start making a habit of taking naps in my parents bed... 'cause it was too loud in my room, or whatever excuse I thought of.  hee hee.  I only did that once in a while... just enough that my parents wouldn't get too suspicious when I wanted to take a nap in their room right before christmas.  So, when I knew they got presents I asked if I could take a nap in their room.  They looked at each other like... hmmmm, the presents are in there...  but, I guess I looked innocent enough.  HAA HAA!  So, i'm in there pretending to fall asleep.  Little do they know that I know they're gonna peek in after a few minutes just to make sure.  So, I layed there keeping a half closed eye on the door...  finally I saw their beedy little eyes peak in to see that I was asleep.  As soon as they disappeared I knew I had a bit of time when they would think its safe... after all they just checked!  So, I slipped out of the bed, and tip toed to the closet which was conveniently opened enough to stick my head in there.  I saw a bunch of plastic bags with boxes in them, so I carefully pulled open some of the bags enough to see the boxes labels, and the ones I couldn't open, I pressed the bag flat against the box so I could see through the bag.  Then I knew what everyone was getting.  And I was totally excited about my new lego! Then I slipped back into the bed to dream about my new toys.

TREE DIARRHEA  When I was little I used to get dragged to all my sisters things.  Track meets, T-ball... of course all the stuff I wanted to do, but didn't get to.  ...and the worst thing was that I was better at that stuff than her!  Anyway thats another story.  One time I was at one of her T-ball games I think it was, and I was hanging out with 3 other younger siblings of players (in the same position as me).  We were talking about how there's this scarey house with a big pool of blood in it that people drowned in if they fell in it... blah blah.  The one kid decided he was gonna climb a tree.  It was kinda a small tree, so I wasn't interested in climbing it, and its a good thing I didn't!  He was up there, and suddenly he looked all panicked and tried to climb down, but he got stuck, and couldn't make it all the way down. He was sitting right in the middle of a "V" (the tree was shaped like a "Y").  he started crying and one of the kids said, "oh no!  he has diarrhea!"
The kid in the tree was screaming for us to get his parents, but I didn't even know who they were.  Butterscotch pudding started dripping out of his pants, down the tree.  Aw, it was soooo gross!  I think I was just frozen staring at this for a bit... then i got the heck outta there, and don't remember going to another of my sisters games for a long time.

STANDING UP TO MY SISTER  My sister was a tyrant when I was little!  She was bigger than me, and let me know it!  She would step on my lego things, and push me around.  Well, one day I guess I had it.  I was sitting watching a TV show (probly G-Force or A Bear called Jeremy).  I'm guessing that I was around 4 or 5,  and she was 2 years older than meShe walked into the room and immmediately changed the channel on me.  I was like, "Hey, I'm watching that!  I was here first."  Then I switched it back.
She's all like, "I don't care!  I don't wanna watch your stupid show!"  and changed it again.
I got up while she was changing the channel, picked my fist up over my head, and slammed it down on her back as hard as I could with all my 4 year old rageShe screamed and ran out of the room, and by the time she locked herself in the bathroom, I was quietly sitting watching my show again.  hee hee, she never tried that again, but she still used to step on all the lego things I made, and always claimed that it was an accident.  I think my mom was there too, but didn't yell at me that time 'cause she saw my sisters actions too.

BEST FRIEND  From as early as I can remember, Brian was my best friend.  He lived 3 houses down the street, past Doug (The neighbor dad), and Tanya (a girl who live beside Brian).  I can remember at about 6am or earlier we would both run out of our houses and meet eachother to play.  We didn't have to plan this or anything, it was a kid thing.  heh heh.  He had cable, and knew all about G.I.Joe, a show I'd never even seen before.  He was born one year after me on May 4th.  So, our birthdays were one day apart which was kinda cool.  We would play in the forest across the street from his house... building tree forts and stuff like that.  We'd sit up in them and talk about peeing "lasers" on the enemy, and pooping "bombs".  We didn't actually do it though, don't worry... well ok, we might have peed once or twice, but not on anybody.

DIVORCE  I have very few memories or my parents being together.  The time I flooded the bathroom, I remember them hugging once (I can barely even say that now), a few other times...  The first memory I have after their divorce was when me, my bro and sis were in my dad's car driving to Grandma's house (where my dad was staying at first.  Oh, and I don't know any of the how's or why's or their break-up).  Anyway, we were driving on the highway out of Hamilton and I said, "Are you still gonna be my daddy?"  I was pretty concerned that I was losin' my dad.  He said, "I'm always gonna be your daddy.  No matter what else ever happens, I'll always be your daddy."  My dad pretty much left all the "stuff" with my mom.  House, I don't know about car, but probly.  I have a similar tendancy.  Like when I break up with a girlfriend I'll pretty much let her take all the stuff she wants.  But then I found this to be very costly, and not very fair because girls are ruthless!  So now I'm just fair, you know, so I can live with myself knowing that I didn't get totally ripped off, but I also know that I didn't do anything unecessarily mean.  (although I still lean a little to the side of give rather than take).  My bro tells me that their divorce was final in 1982.

DIARRHEA AND PEEING SITTING DOWN  I was almost never sick as a kid.  I had allergies to cats and we had one, so I was stuffed up a lot, but not really sick.  One time I had diarrhea though.  I remember going to the bathroom and thinking that I didn't have to do a number 2 even though I had diarrhea.  Well, I stood there and started goin'... psssssssss... suddenly I felt some bowels gettin' ready to unleash a big hershey squirt!  There was no time to lose, I only had seconds to spare!  So, I threw my pants down, got one leg out, and carefully turned around while still peeing.  Then plopped my little butt down just in time.  I don't remember if I made any mess at all or anything, but literally for the next 10 years, I did not pee standing up. Not once.  Then I would occasionally.  I didn't actually start peeing standing up regularly until about half way through freshman year at University.

GREASE BURGERS  This one time when me, mom, sis and bro were visiting Farm-Grandma and Grandpa (Mom's side, They lived on a farm) we were getting ready for dinner, and Gandpas like, "Lets have grease burgers, there's a place that has the best grease burgers."  So me and Grandpa (and maybe Mark) hop in his car and head down the long gravel driveway and hang a left.  We end up in this place that was like some kinda truck stop or something.  Grandpa ordered all the burgers, we might have gotten fries and stuff too, but I onnly remember the burgers.  He of course had a list of what everyone wanted on theirs, but he didn't need it 'cause I remembered what everyone wanted.  We got the burgers (and whatever else we got) and they were all wrapped up in wax paper.  I could see some brown liquid in there.  We got back with the grease burgers, and I opend mine, and there's definately a reason for the ample amounts of wax paper they used to wrap 'em.  I musta gone through 20 napkins.  They were just dripping with grease, and they were sooo good.  At the time I didn't even know about fat and cholesterol or any of that.  I couldn't take a drink the whole time I was eating 'cause my hands were totally slippery with greasy goodness.  They were the best burgers I've ever had.

CAT NAMES  When I was 6, I can't even remember how little, we got a kitten.  It was somehow through my best friend Brian's mom.  (Brian got our cats brother).  It was the cutest little dude with racoon colouring, even the black and grey striped tail.  My sister in all of her wisdom declared this to be a female cat.  "You can tell from the nipples".  Me and my brother didin't like this reasoning, and we thought it was a boy cat, but we couldn't back it up with any sort of nipple reasoning other than that we were boys and we still had nipples.  So, despite all the cool boy names me and Mark came up with the cat was names "Mindy"... as in "Mork and Mindy".  About a month later the vet told us that this was a boy cat.  I was PISSED!  Geez, my man-cat had a girly name!  So, my bro and I started calling him Minder so he could still recognize it.  There were variations of this over the years... Minter and stuff like that.  But about 10 years later his finalized name became Cow-man.  I'll have to ask my bro where that name came from.  I can't remember right now.

FISH DEATH  Once when i was little, maybe around 7 or so, me and my sister each had a goldfish (Yes I understand that its supposed to be "my sister and I" but if thats what you're here for, go away).  They were in a 10 gallon tank, and I HATED changing the water.  And mine kept dying!  It had to be replaced like every month ACK!  It was so annoying, so one day I grabbed her fish outta the tank and was thinking maybe he'll get sick now and die.  I squeezed it a little then put it back.  But the thing still lived for 3 years.  Haa haa, I never told anyone that one before.  I hoped that our cat Minder would get her fish too.

MY BROTHERS LACES (written by Mark, my brother)  When I was 4 or 5,  i had just finished a swimming lesson and my mom bro and sis came to pick me up.  We were in a rush for some reason which i don't recall,  anyways i had not yet learned to tie my shoes so i ran along side my bro (who was sent in to hurry me along) and hopped in the back of our moms old red station wagon.  The whole time my laces flaling about.  Sitting in the car with my feet barely dangling over the edge of the seat, i started singing a song about my untied shoesmy bro. getting annoyed said "SHUT UP,  here look make a loop" and blah blah blah he tied my shoe.  after showing me on one shoe i successfully did the other and that when and how i learned to tie my shoes.

FIRST REAL LIFE BOOBIES I WASN'T SUPPOSED TO SEE I'd seen my friends boobies before, of course at this age, its not boobies, more like just nipples... but the first time I saw boobies that were actually starting to grow was when my sisters friend was over.  She lived across the street and was the older sister of one of my friends. My sister and her were dancing, being all cool and old and stuff.  I guess they were showing off when they came into mine and Marks room and started playing the music and dancing.  Well, my sisters friend had a tube top on, and her arms were up, and her top came down!  tee hee, I bet she doesn't think I remember that.  I bet she doesn't even remember it.  Well, I saw 'em, for that second before she grabbed her shirt back up and went totally red.  I seem to remember pointing and yelling something, but that may be my imagination.  They weren't big or anything, she was only about 10 at the time, but still it was enough to stick in my mind.  hee hee

PIANO LESSONS  My mom always wanted to sign me up for stuff... which was cool, except that she'd only sign me up for stuff I didn't want to do!  This way she could claim that I never stuck with anything and I was a quitter and she wouldn't put me in a track club or on a basketball team, or let me learn to play the drums 'cause I would just wanna quit.... (finally I started running track on my own and am still doin' it).  Anyway, one time she asked me if I wanted to take piano lessonsI said no, so she made me a deal.  If I did it for one year then it would be up to me if I wanted to continue or if that was enough.  I said sure, that sounds pretty good.  So, I did my year of piano, learned the basics of music and stuff and that was enough for me.  I told my mom, thanks.  That was good, now I know how to read music and stuff.  I don't wanna spend any more time on it though 'cause its getting boring.  Well, mom broke her deal, and said I had to keep goin'.  After a few years I got so....  AAA!!!!  that one day I just said, "I'm not going anymore.  You broke your promise, and I shouldn't have to hate music because you force it on me after you lied."  She didn't go for that and still tried to make me go.  So, I jumped on the ground face down, spread out like a star and said, "I'm not moving!".  Well, if you've ever tried to move someone who's in that position, you know its friggin tough.  She tried to pull me, pick me up...  My mom was sooooo mad, and screamed and yelled, but it just didn't affect me 'cause she lied and had no right to yell at me.  That was the first time I stood up to my mom, and the last time she tried to make me go to a piano lesson.

A+ IN MATH  This one time I mysteriously got a really high score on a math test.  It was in about grade 4.  I had never done very well in school.  (Always got D's in things like listening and something else.  I don't know, I wasn't really paying attention.  haa haa).  I had tied Jenny for highest score in the class.  She was supposedly the really smart girl in the class.  Before that day I never did particularly well in math, but after that day I was always at the top of the class.  I'm not sure if that was just the point in time when I "got it" or if I just needed the confidence of a good score, but whatever it was... to this day, I've never had difficulty with any math class or concept.  I just get it.  Too bad all the jobs that have to do with math are so boring...

MY FIRST RACE  In grade 6 at James MacDonald school (where I went) there was a 1 km race around the school park.  There hadn't been one before this, at least none I'd ever heard about.  So in gym class we started running sometimes. Ms. Parkhill said I was a beautiful runner (well, beautiful wasn't great considering I was a guy, but you know...).  That kinda surprised me 'cause I wasn't ever a very confident kid, and didn't think I deserved such compliments.  I was surprised she didn't say that about the other guys in my class who were the "Jocks", or the "cool" guys.  She said that she thought I'd win the race, and everyone including me was like... ?????  Well, the race finally came, and we started.  About 1/4 of the way through the race I went the wrong way around a pilon 'cause someone was sitting on it so I didn't know there was one there, I didn't wanna get DQed so I went back around it and caught back up.  Half way through the race, I started thinking, hey... I'm with the leaders and I'm not getting tired... I'm gonna pick it up... I remember I started growling, and I don't know where it came from, but it always comes out when I run hard... even today.  Only one guy stayed with me.  The guy everyone including me thought would easily win, Craig.  With about 100m left we were both gunning it.  Almost falling over from trying to go faster.  with 50m left i pulled away and I crossed the finish about 10m ahead.... and fell flat on my face.  haa haa, that was the first thing I ever won and was one of the several things that happened around that time to help my confidence.  I believe my time was 3:50.  Its funny now that I can do it in under 2:30.

THE GIRL WHO'D NEVER KNOW   In grade 7 at Westview middle school (where I went) there was a girl who liked me.  I found this out in Science class from one of the "cool" girls who was saying that this girl though I was cute, and blah blah.  She said that she didn't understand why she would like me of all people.  I was an unpopular nerd, and the girl who liked me was a model.  OK, this is getting confusing.  I don't remember their names, but lets say the girl who liked me was named Jesse, and the girl I found out from was named fatso (she wasn't fat, but she wasn't very nice... oh, and I did see her a few years later, and she was fat, so... her name in my story is fatso.  Oh wait, it might have been Christine or some form of that, but whatever, fatso).  So, fatso was saying that I wasn't nearly cool enough for Jesse who was apparantly very cool (I didn't think Jesse was particularly attractive, however, it made her much more attractive that she liked me).  Then, fatso was saying that she told Jesse that she shouldn't like me because I'm a big honkin dork (or something to that effect).  Then she looked at me and said, " awww, I'm sorry.  Was that the only girl who ever liked you?"  After that, I just went back to what I was doing.  Its kind of funny.  I wasn't cool enough for them then, but in 3 years, I was the most popular guy at school.  I was always nice to those girls, but never had any respect for them.  I was just nice to everyone.  At the time they looked down on me, I wanted to say that looking down on people would never get them anywhere.  I knew that it would mean nothing coming from the dorkiest outsider at school, though.  I think I interracted with Jesse a little.  Like... Hi, bye, but never had so much as a conversation with her.  I wonder if we would have gotten along if her "cool friends" hadn't jumped in.

MY MOMS SADNESS  When I was around 10 my mom started a nasty little habit.  I had only made her cry once in my life to this point, and I felt so bad that I appologized soooo much.  Well, she started picking fights with me about things.  At first she would just find anything to argue with me about, and I just didn't want to fight with her and she'd end up crying and yelling at me.  I started making sure that I didn't do anything to bother her, so she started making up things to fight with me about.  At first it was only once a week or so, then it became more, and finally one day she was yelling at me about something I didn't do, and I kept telling her that I didn't do it, and maybe I could help, but she just started screaming at me and crying.  Saying things like, "Why do you do this to me, you're so mean."  and of course I started crying once again, and tried to talk to her.  She locked herself in the bathroom, and kept sobbing, and muttering things about how terrible I wasFinally I just walked away.  That was the first time I did walk away.  I went to the window at the front of the house and rested my head on the glass with tears streaming down my face.  I started thinking about what kind of solution there could be to this, but I came up with nuthing because it obviously wasn't me that she was actually angry at.  I had been practicing suppressing my emotions at times to deal with things like my mom, or when I didn't feel motivated to do something, and my sadness and frustruation got so painful that I just wanted to get away from it any way I could.  Suicide was the obvious choice, but I promised myself once that I wouldn't ever waste my time thinking about that... and suddenly, I just stopped. I stopped feeling anythingI picked up my head, stood straight up, and didn't feel vulnerable, or sad, or anything.  I just let my emotions go, completely.  I whiped the tears off my face, and no more came.  I just went to find something productive to do.  I became like a robot.  I didn't feel tired, or hot or cold, I just did productive things all the time. I did things that I knew I would have liked when I used to feel.  I ignored people screaming at me, or threatening me in any way.  I didn't feel again for over 5 years.

This one time... I hit my brother in the head... with a 2X2X5ft piece of wood.  I was playing in the backyard, and there was some wood around, so I grabbed two pieces, one in each hand, and started spinning around like a helicopter.  Faster... faster... next thing I know, I'm going too fast!  AAA!  ...can't... hold.... on... to... wood... FLING!  One went flying, and as I yelled, "Look out!" the thing whacked my brother right in the forehead.  Hmm.  Like, it was spinning, so at least it didn't hit him end on, but... it really nailed him.  I felt really bad.... but not nearly as bad as him.  :-P  Luckily, no concussion... no brain damage.  Later we joked about the odds of the wood going directly toward him.  He was after all 20m (60ft) or more away from me.  I don't know if I could have made the shot on purpose.  :-P

TREE CLIMBING... AAAAA!!!!!... clunk  I used to climb trees a lot. There were lots of great big trees in the backyard.  There was the Chesnut, a huge chesnut tree in the middle of the yard that we'd throw chesnuts out of at people below.  Tee hee.  There was the Triple-T, which was three trees that were right next to each other.  You could climb from one to the other pretty easily.  There was the one with the loooong branches about 15 feet up the tree that stuck out so far you could walk out to the end on one while holding the other and they'd bend all the way to the ground (a good escape route when playing hide and seek).  I don't remember what that one was called.  Then there was the Pine.  It was a big pine tree, the tallest tree in the yard.  ...and the willow.  You could get to the roof from the top of the willow tree.  There were a few others, but those are the main ones.  Anyway, I sometimes would climb all the trees in the backyard as fast as I could for some great exercise.  One time I was doing that, and I was about 25ft up the tree with the loooong branches.  I was holding a branch with one hand and my foot was on a little stumpy old leftover from a broked branch.... and... snap!  the one under my foot broke and I was hanging by one hand.  OK, no problem.  I'd just grab something else... 'cept that I was facing away from the tree and there was nothing I could reach... and what was worse was that I was slowly rotating.  Ya know how you can rotate your arm to break someones grip on it... well, thats about what was happenning.  I tried to srop it, but just didn't have a good enough grip I looked down just in time to see that there was nothing I could grab onto on the way down... and slip!   AAAAA!!!  shiiiiiiiit!  In a split second I was half way to the ground, and realized that I was going to land right on the tree's second trunk that splits off the rest of the tree almost horizontally at first in a Y a few feet from the ground... and right between my legs!  Double shhiiiiiit!  So I closed my legs as fast as I could, but it was impossible to do it fast enough...  I clamped them on the trunk which landed right between my knees.  The fear of being nutted that badly gave me the strength of... something really strong, and I managed to slow down enough and throw my weight to the side so my nuts were saved!  Yess!!!   but it totally scraped the insides of my legs.  uh oh... but then I was falling head first AAAAA!!!  thump!  right on my backI jumped up, said a few profanities, spit some blood... checked that everything was where its suposed to be... then I was like... that was cool!  But uh.... no need to do it again.

Not again...  The Broken Tree Bridge.  Ya, sooo... I spent A LOT of time climbing trees and things.  One time, I figured it would be cool to have a rope go from the Chesnut to the Pine so one could travel across without going all the way down to the ground.  They were roughly 15m (45ft) apart.  So, I found whatever rope and cable and whatever I could scrounge up.  Basically, it was a patched together line completely unfit for anything let alone supporting a human.  I climbed up the Pine, tied it off (about 30ft up), then climbed the Chesnut, and tied the other end off.  Then.... I decided to try it out.  This was one of those few times that I said...  "Geez, I'm always safe, I need to take a little risk here and there... like right now!"  I grabbed the rope... that was so thin, it hurt to hold on to wit hbare hands.... but I wasn't about to go searching for gloves.  I pulled myself up to it, and got my ankles on it too... then started going across hand over hand, ankle over ankle.  My brother was in the yard, but I'm not sure if he was aware of what I was doing yet.  Anyway, about 1/2 of the way across..... SNAP!  The rope ripped right where it was attached to the pine.  I'm not sure how I got my hands turned the right way, or got myself into the right side up position, but next thing I know, I'm swinging, and my hands are sliding, burning their way down the rope.  I grabbed it as hard as I could to stop falling, and in an instant, I was blasting by the trunk of the chestnut.  Somehow I'd managed to not hit any branches.  However, the rope started wrapping around a branch cutting my swing short, and flinging me who knows how fast or far out into the yard.  I landed on my feet, and tried to look casual while my brother looked at me with his eyes pooping out of his head.  haa haa.  I probably said something like, "Oh, wasn't that fun." or something like that.  Then I looked at my hands and was like, wow.  Those are some nice burns.  ...some nice cuts too.  Really, I should have been hurt a lot worse, but.... I wasn't, so back to playing in the trees!  just... no rope this time.  :-P

Illegal Farting!  One day at my dads house, in Mississauga, we were having a nice lunch by the pool.  My brother, both sisters, and the adults were all eating burgers, and dogs at a picnic table by the pool, listening to the baseball game (Blue Jays).  My little sister who must have been around 4 at the time was sitting beside me.... then she was standing beside me....  THEN!!!  I hear this old man flappy butt fart blasting out right beside my head!  ...and before I could even say anything, my innocent little 4 year old sister looks right at me and says...  "Whaaat diiid youuu dooooooo???"  BRAT!  Anyway, it was pretty obvious that the blast had come from her, but she said it so convincingly that my dad actually asked me... "Was that you???"  and I said "NO!!!  augh!  You little brat!"  HAA HAA, and we all started cracking up falling off our chairs, trying not to choke, or fire anything across the table out of our gaffawing mouths.

DIZZINESS AND THE ILLEGAL TRACK RECORD  Every year in January my high school track team would go to the Spectator Indoor Games (sponsored by the "Hamilton Spectator"... but then it became the "NuSkin" Games).  This was the biggest indoor track meet we went to.  There was a high school section, a college section, and in the evening, an elite section where we'd get to see such drug using athletes as Ben Johnson and others.  Well, this year I was determined to break the 600m record.  It was a pretty fast record for a 145m track.  The only problem was that I somehow got sick right before the meet.  Probably flu or something.  ...but that wasn't about to stop me.  I took a halls so I could breath (Halls are actually banned substances in track, but oh well).  I was still kinda dizzy though.  Well, I get to the starting line, and things were all hazy.  The gun goes off, and I take off like my life depends on it.  I don't remember what lap it was, but on one of them I lost balance a little and stepped off the inside of the track.  I think it was only one step, but maybe enough to get disqualified.  Well no one noticed, and I wrecked the record.  I think the old record was 1:24.?? and I lowered it to 1:22.??.  I also ran in the 4X400m, and we won that too.

WINNING ATTITUDE AND THE IMPOSSIBLE SHOT FROM HALF-COURT In my last 2 years of high school I began an obsession with winning.  I started winning at everything that I wanted... even things I had no right winning.  Anyway, one day near the end of high school, I was playing 21 (the basketball game where ya shoot...) with Rob after track practice.  Rob was on my track team.  We were good friends, but also very competitive.  Well, we got to a point in the game where we were tied at 20.  It was my shot from the free throw line.  The only problem is that any shot from the free throw line is worth 2 points, and going over 21 drops your score back down to 11.  Throwing up a bad shot wasn't an option since Rob would just get the rebound and put it in easily for his last point.  This left 2 choices... make the shot, and go down to 11, then make 5 more in a row without missing... or... going back to half court... since any shot from the other half of the court only counts as 1 point.  I walked my butt back to half court, and I could see Rob's little smirk!  augh! If I air-balled, he could take his shot from anywhere, guaranteeing victory... or I could hit the rim, and he'd still have a pretty easy shot.  I stood at half court, and having already decided at the beginning of the game that losing was not an option, I didn't hesitate in letting loose the shot.  I'm not sure exactly when Rob realized it was going in, but I do remember the look on his face.  Like somehow victory had been cruelly snatched away by that demon that I'd made some sickening deal with or something like that.  He just stood there staring at me like it didn't just happen.  Ha ha, it was pretty funny.  Damn Rob, I wish I had a camera for that one!

The horribly boring job At the end of highschool, I had this horrible job working 12 hour shifts in an information storage library, sometimes at night where nothing would happen the whole time, and all there was to do was stand around.  Yes, there were no chairs.  Over a month, I lost 30 pounds.  Thats why I look so skinny in all the pictures from OFSAA in the "GOD IS IT?" entry below.  I missed a lot of school, and hardly ate or slept.  At the city champoinships for track, I worked a 12 hour night shift, then droave 20 hours straight to the meet, and well... I still won everything.  ha ha.  Actually, I had some pretty good performances if I recall correctly.  I got dizzy highjumping though.  I didn't win that one.  OK, so I didn't win EVERYTHING... but the important stuff.  Alright, lemme elaborate on what this job entailed.  5 humans (1 of which was often me) locked in a giant room with no windows.  The room filled with roughly a million computer tapes... for storing information.  Roughly 100 tape drives in a central corridor.  The drives correspond to different companies.  20 computer screens on the ceiling, and on the tape drives.  When a company wanted to get some information, a tape drive number on the computer screens would have a flashing number corresponding to a certain tape somewhere in the room.  The humans were required to find the tape, and insert it into the correct drive.  When the tape ejected.... put it away.  Sometimes on a 12 hour night shift, NO tapes would come up.  Not one!  12 hours of standing there staring at a screen waiting to do something, then going home.  The height of excitement was when a tape was missing.  Oh my gosheroo!  a tape has been misplaced!  woooo!  The humans would then check around a little, and either find it or not.  the end.  OK, I can't even talk about it anymore!

GOD IS IT?  My last race in high school (Pictures are in my adventures section) was probably the most unbelievable thing I've ever done.  Sure, I've done plenty of unusual things, but there was a moment when I made a decision that was...  well.... it was one of those all or nothing decisions.  But the kind where so much is at stake that its difficult to even think about now.  That decision was half-way through the 800m final at the provincial championships (Ontario).  I was in a race with someone I knew to be significantly faster than I was.  I'd won every race in the last two years, and before every race I knew that I would win.  But...  before this race, I just suspended thought, so I wouldn't have to face the possibility of defeat, and so I wouldn't have to see the pain that I was about to throw myself into.  I just made sure that when the race started, I'd have my full mental attention so I could somehow find a way to do what I needed to do.  Half-way through the race, I was behind by about 30m, and thats when I made the choice.  In an instant, I made an ultimatum... win, or not finish at all.  I focused all my energy on efficiency, and let my legs take as much energy as they wanted.  I knew that under any other circumstances, I would collapse long before the finish line, but if that was to happen, then so be it.  I fell into this place where I had been a few times before.... a place where speed, adrenaline, and instinct take over.  Normally I would control it, but this time I let it go to extinction.  It was my only chance.  I blew by the leader with 200m left, and by the time I hit 100 to go, my instincts had completely failed.  I'd felt it before.... only I'd always been past the finish line, but I took manual control of my legs, and made sure they kept going as long as they could.  With 50m left, I could no longer feel anything, and couldn't see much either.  All I focused on was staying up, and maintaining as much speed as I could... making sure not to waste any energy thinking about anyone who might pass me.  I hit the finish line 1st, and took mental note of that as I yelled and let out all that crap I was holding in... then fell flat on my face half-conscious completely unaware of the state of anything in the world including my body.  ...except for one thing... that I won.  I knew that people would be staring at me wondering what was going on, and they'd be trying to get me off the track, but embarrassment or self-consciousness had completely given way to the little box of existence I was in.... where I did it and everything was perfect.  I tried unsuccessfully to get up twice before I finally got to my feet.  After that race... Rob said, "You are God".  This was kinda a big compliment coming from him.  I was pretty surprised he said that.  But if the roles were reversed, I woulda been saying that too.  Alex was all, "I'm the only one who thought you could do it!".  I'm still not sure if he really did, or it was BS!  haa haa.  Oh...  and the guy I beat... Alex said he saw him after the race with his coach saying, "He was too fast... He was just too fast."  tee hee.  (Subsequently that guy went on to run a sub 4 minute mile... nice work)
Thats me in the
middle with the
wierdest, most
intese feeling...

I'm on the right
(that means I

Oh, and I ran the
4X400m 30 min
later with these

50 MILES TO HOME AND NUTHIN TO LOSE  So, I quit my job and was in Mississauga at my dad's place with nothing to do, and no ride home until the next day.  My girlfriend at the time wanted me to show up at a dance that night, and track season was over.  I was a little high on life, and was in a total can-do mental state, sooo....  I checked a map, found a road that went all the way home to Hamilton, grabbed my wallet for beverage moneys, and my medals from the Provincial championships to show off, went outside, and closed the locked door.  This put me purposely in the position of either running the entire way home, or being locked out on the front lawn alllll day.  So, I started running.  Roughly 6 minute miles, which was the slowest I'd run in over a year, so I figured I could make it... even though I hadn't run over 1500m in the last 2 months.  hmmmmmmm....  Ya, seems a little nutty, but hey.  Thats me.  So, I ran.... and ran.... following Dundas street if I recall correctly.  After about 10 miles, I had to pee.  heh heh, so I found a bush.  After about 15 miles, I was really thirsty, so I stopped and bought a gatorade.  I'd Drawn a rough map on my arm, so I knew when I got to the halfway point.  That was about 20 miles.  Ya, I know half of 50 isn't 20, but.... I'm getting there.  Getting past the halfway point was cool, cuz then it was a no turning back situation.  Well, I kept going... and going... At some point, my 6 minute miles started to not feel so slow anymore.  My usual absolute slowest pace at the time was 5 minute miles, but by the time I hit 3 hours, the 6 minute miles didn't seem so slow anymore.  I stopped again for another drink, and well..... somewhere in there... when I got into Burlington, I wasn't sure which way to go.  Maybe it was the lack of planning, or the slightly delerious state I was getting into, or the fact that I was starting to think... SHORTCUT!  ha ha.  Ok, I went a few miles in a direction I knew to be going in the right direction, but wasn't sure if I would get stuck by the water.  After a while... trying a few different paths, I finally found on that wasn't any shorter, but went through a nice big park, so I took it.  My extra exploring went on for about 10 miles, and thats why the whole thing ended up being roughly 50.  I kept going, and by the time I got to the edge of downtown Hamilton, I was sooooo thirsty!  For miles, I was looking for any water source anywhere.  There was a graveyard, and wouldn't ya know it, there were water spouts all of the place!  So, I hopped the fence, and drowned myself for a few minutes.  It totally wasn't quenching.  I was way past quenching.  I knew it was only about another 10 miles, so I kept going, just thinking about how great it would be to show up totally unexpected.  Then I wasn't sure which way to go again, but I wasn't screwing around anymore, so I asked someone for directions.  They looked at me like I was insane when I said I ran from Mississauga, but.... pointed me in the right direction.  Soon, I started recognizing things which was good, but I also realized how far I had to go.  It got kinda blurry after that.  I remember getting to the 7-11 at the bottom of the upper Paradise stairs.  I went in and got a big honkin frosty slush.  The girl behind the desk asked me something about what I was up to.  I guess I looked like I was up to something.  I told her, and she was like.... are you kidding????  I was like, nope.  She was cute, but I was fadin' fast, and had to get goin'.  OK, I dunno exactly what was up with this, but....  I sucked that frosty slush down faster than anything I'd ever seen, and I got no brain freeze!  Not even a bit!  We're talkin' one of those huge frosty slushes they have that is difficult to finish off normally, and I usually get brain freeze every sip.  Then I hit the stairs that went up the escarpment.  (Thats a big cliff for those that don't know.)  My home was only a few miles away from the top of the stairs, so I powered up all my adrenaline (cuz I felt like thats all that was left) and started bookin' it up the stairs.... kept cruisin' up the street, and all the way home.  Ya, my legs were pretty much toast, but maybe it didn't seem that bad because a few days earlier, I couldn't stand at all from fatigue.  I went inside, and was like.... Hello, everybody!  Then I started laughing cuz they're all like, who gave you a ride????? How the hell did you get here???  If you ever have a chance to be in this kinda situation, take it.  Its so fun to tell people the truth, and have them be in total disbelief.  Well, ok, my brother wasn't in disbelief.  He knows what I'm like, and I told him I was doing it anyway.  Well, I made it to the dance, but well... I didn't dance much.  Actually, I pretty much sat down every chance I got.  Oh, and the next day at school was interesting being unable to get into a standing position without using my arms.  haa haa.  It was fun though.

MY BOY SID, AND HIS BOY, HAMLET  When I first got to University (Brown U.  in Providence, RI) I met lots of people, but one of my best friends that year was someone I didn't really even meet.  We would just see eachother walking between our dorm and the athletic complex.  Him for Waterpolo, and me for Track.  I didn't really know much about him, 'cept that he usually had a pretty big smile.  I think we actually had our first conversation after one of his waterpolo games.  This is when I found out he had TURTLES!!!  hee hee, I loved those little dudes.  Sid turned out to be a really cool guy too (also very rambuncious and destructive.  haa haa).  I started visiting his turtle, Hamlet a lot the next couple days or weeks, and me and Sid would play video games and hang out all night talkin' about girls.  Well, one day not long after this Sid came into wherever I was with a shocked look on his face, and said something like, "Oh my god, I can't believe what happened...."  He then explained how he was out on one of the "greens" with Hamlet... and.... he fell asleepWhen he woke up, Hamlet was no where to be found.  I was like, "Oh NO!!"  We ran outside after we grabbed a couple other people to go look for him.  He was about the size of a whopper from Burger King, and was sandy coloured. We looked and looked... under bushes, around trees, in the corners of buildings, checked for little mounds of dirt he might have buried himself under... Well, we started looking in the early afternoon, and it was getting dark, and everyone but me and Sid had given up. We stayed out there half the night looking for Hamlet, but we never saw him again.  I hope that he ended up somewhere good, and didn't get run over or something.  Years later we used to joke about finding him, all grown up and stuff...  I hope he's doin' ok wherever he wandered off to.

MY FRIEND STEP-ON-ME  The first time I met Steph... well, that time wasn't that great a story... me and her and her roomate and P-nut were eating in Jo's.  But... the SECOND time I met her was one night when lots of people were partyin' and she was totaly drunk.  She came up to my room to bug me, but at the time I was a pretty driven person, and I had some stuff to do so I was like... you're drunk, I'll talk to you later.  Well duh, of course a drunk person isn't gonna listen to that! She followed me around for three hours, just doin' silly stuff like going down the hall and taking a running leap onto my back, or grabbing me hand and swinging me around which ended up being swinging herself around.  haa haa.  I don't remember exactly how the night ended, but the next day she stayed with me when I was eating in the cafeteria after everyone else left (I kinda used to eat for a long time... probly still do).  I liked that.  So far no one else really went out of their way to be around me.  We were talkin' and we started to hang out.  She had a real bubbly personality... always smiling and bein' happy.  I soon started calling her Step-on-me, and I've been calling her it since.  Hee hee.  I always make up nicknames for people I really like.  She was on the gymnastics team, and has a real cute butt.  Here's a picture of her in the gym.

PRECIOUS MATERIALS OF ICQ  Ever since I got ICQ in University, I occassionally made a new friend by someone random messaging me, or once in a while, I'd send a message to a far off corner of the globe.  Usually Australia.  Anyway... one day in my Junior year at school, I recieved a random message from someone who's ID was Pearly.  It turned out that there were two girls there.  Lets call them... Pearl, and Crystal. Pearl didn't have much to say at the time, and Crystal was much more talkative... so when Crystal asked, I had to admit that she was more interesting to talk to (Something she still brings up from time to time!).  They seemed like nice girls, so I put them on my contact list, and they put me too.  I talked with them a few times, then I didn't hear from them for several months, and forgot about them in the list of contacts.  Then one day out of the blue Pearl sent me a message, and I guess what was bothering her before was no longer relevant because she had much more to say that time. We talked for a while, and got to know eachother, and even though we don't see eye to eye on a few things, we really got along well.  Its been at least two years since I first heard from Pearl, and we still talk a lot.  Sometimes we'll talk for hours and not realize the time.  I even know a bunch of her friends who are also pretty cool.  ...and congratulations Crystal on being engaged.  Well, I've never met Pearl or any of her friends, or even know if they really exist, or I'm just a skitzo making them up in my head.  haa haa... but I'm glad that on that day they decided to send me a message, so I'd have a wonderful person to talk to.  Thanks Pearl, and thanks you other crazy heads too... C, K, S, A...  Au revior

What to do... OK... when I graduated from University... I didn't know what the hell I was gonna do.  Basically, I was so frustruated dealing with all the bullcrap there for 4 years that I didn't manage to come up with a feasible plan.  ...so I went up to one of my prof's after graduation, and said... I don't know what I'm going to do now.  Can I work at the school for the summer?  So, he's all like, sure, lets try it out.  So, my first day, I came in, and fixed the shelves in his office in about an hour, and he was like.... Oh!  I thought this would take all day.  hmmm.  So, I was in his good books after that.  :)

Saving me from Brown... After having proven my worth while working for a professor (and subsequently good friend) at Brown, he introduced me to one of his lifetime friends.  This new Gentleman was in the market for a competant studio artist assistant.  Sounded good to me, so I took it.  At first, I was taking a 2 hour commute into from Providence to Boston... staying with a friend (Steph, actually... otherwise known as Step-on-me) in Boston between most of the days I worked.  It was strenuous, and tiring, but I was determined to pay off my school loans quickly, so I suched it up and did it!
hmmmmm... I guess I should mention that the first day I worked for him, he let me use his Nissan Pathfinder to drive home so I didn't have to take the bus.  It got stolen that night.  Yes, thats right.  I got my bosses car stolen the first day I worked for him.  I probably don't need to go into it much at this point, because I'm sure everyone can understand that it was ho ho horrible.  Oh so horrible.  I looked around the parking lot for over an hour saying.... "$#!^!!!  Maybe I forgot where I parked it!  $#!^!!!!"   uhh... ya.  He was really cool about it though.  He just said, " What a nightmare", and "What time can you get here on the bus?"  It was recovered a few days later minus radio and wheels, but basically intact.
  SOOO.... I worked with him, and got to know him pretty well.  He was a really amazing guy, and I found that he understood a lot that most people just don't seem to either have an ability or any desire to ponder.  Things about existence, and the world, and philosophy.  I wish he was still around to read the book I wrote. (How Big is the Universe?)  I think he really would have liked it.  Yep, as I've implied, he has since died.  In fact he had cancer when I started working for him.  We worked feverishly mostly restoring or otherwise reworking chinese scholar rocks.  Never heard of em?  Neither had I until then.  Just look up "Chinese scholar rocks" in google.  You're on a computer, right!?  Now I know more then anyone ever needs to know about rocks, and how to manipulate them.  I also got a lot of practice carving hardwoods of various kinds.  We worked in a studio you could have played basketball in.  ...at least half court.  He had am sports radio on all the time, and drank a coke with a straw and lots of ice.  I stuck to rootbeer.  Man, I had a lot of rootbeer.  yumm.

The end for one to save another...  I was up to my eyeballs in debt when I started working for the artist.  He said that it was a horrible burden to start life with and he'd try to help me out.  I've always had a bit of a problem with accepting things from anyone.  I'd always quote people prices that were the absolute minimum I could charge to to something.  That sort of thinking was abviously never going to get me out of debt.  He encouraged me to just be fair, and learn to accept things when given (although I still didn't let him buy a MIG welder that he said was for the studio, but was clearly really for me!).
A few things happened around this time that really started my financial future going in a good direction.  My dad called up and said I could have an '89 honda accord.  All I have to do is get to Atlanta, GA to pick it up.  That was definitely cool!  Finally I'd have some wheels, and it was a great excuse to go visit those guys.  So, for a month or so, I could drive to work.  Then the artist, as he was becoming physically weaker, offered to house me.  He said that I could stay in a room above the studio for free, and in exchange, he'd have someone nearby at all times in case he had an emergency, not to mention that I'd get to work on time not having to face boston taffic! (Boston has recently been named the worst city in the USA to get around in by the way).  Possibly the best part was that the house was right across the street from a lake.  I love swimming!
    Months went by, and since I had few expenses, almost all my money went to paying off my loans.  The artist became weaker, and eventually left our world to go to who knows where.  Its a strange feeling knowing that someone is going to be leaving well in advance of it actually happeneing.  Plenty of time for goodbyes, of course, it is of little sollace.  I don't really know what to say about that.  He was a great guy, and I miss him.  By the time he died, he'd already helped me pay off about 2/3 of my loan.  He would have loved to see what I'm up to now that I have my freedom.  He was always very interested in inventive things.

New Guardian...  so, I was living in this house, and the person I dealt with was suddenly gone leaving his wife, and found myself living in a womans house sharing her space, and I'd not even had a whole conversation with her before.  I wasn't sure what would happen then.  Basically, I just kept an open mind, and talked with her, and apparently she wanted me to stay for a while, and work for her if I could.  After all, there was a huge collection of scholars rocks, and various antiquities of art that few people were experienced with, and someone had to deal with them... and various other things that would make life easier in a difficult time.  I decided to stay, and I'm very glad I did because I have since become very close to her, and she's looked out for me over the years.  I guess we've always had opposing needs and resources that fit together very well.  I had excesses of things she could use... basically, strength, ingenuity, and time.  She had things I needed... money, a nice place to stay, and a sort of motherly caring.  Other than that, keeping eachother company while having our own spaces within the house seemed to work out fairly well... although she did catch me running around in my boxers once!  haa haa.  It was no big deal though.  She has become an important part of my life, and I hope she continues to be.  ...although I'm sure she will be.  Every now and then she hires me to do some sort of  task(s) so I can have an excuse to visit her.  :-)  I'll have to remember to thank her for that.

Damaris... is really cool.  I've known Damaris for a long time, and we weren't that close until one day, after I hadn't seen her in a while, she looked excited to see me.  The next few times I saw her, she looked excited to see me again, and I thought that was really cool.  We started hanging out more, and I still thought she was really cool.  Then I found out that she's excessively nice to peoples all the time, and I thought that was really really cool.  Well, long story short, she's helping me build an experimental Jaimie-dome in Vermont.  There's lots about that in the Adventures section.  OH OH!  Pictures too!  I'm at Damaris's place right now, and she's picking her butt with a spoon.  haa haa.  OK OK... she was just doing it to be funny.  Anyway, she'll definitely be in my life for a long time which I can't say about many peoples.  OK, I'm gonna go hang out with her now since I am visiting her and all...

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